mix posted on facebook:
june: Brian-Tennessee Claflin´s most favorite music ...
all my life I listened to music such as Michael Jackson, Guns
N´ Roses, Queen, Velvet Underground, ... and similar stuff
like that. I was most into male singers and when Brian came into
my life about 7 years ago, then he showed me the world of female
singers and music I had no idea that such stuff even exists ...
he left me speechless when showing me stunning performers &
songs such as this one *THANK YOU*
june: just wrote 2 little poems dedicated to Brian:
Brian my muse
Brian my friend
Brian my brother
my heart forever
june: laying on my couch. listening to Maria Callas live @ Royal
Festival Hall. and grieve for Brian. after a very exhausting week,
now it starts to become more quite. it is the first time that
I face the feeling to grieve for someone. these are emotions I
never knew before. somehow I feel as if I am laying on a cloud
and watch my life with Brian from above ... from distance ...
sometimes I want to touch what I dream about and see ... but it
is not possible ... anymore
june: preparing myself to continue to paint soon ... size 1.50
x 1.80 meters ... the BIGGEST size I ever worked on ... and yes,
Brian will be on that painting
june: Brian´s most favorite songs <3 Blonde Redhead has
been the first concert we went together about 7 years ago. he
had backstage passes for each of us and we had a great time walking
around everywhere we wanted to go :)
june: OMG Dr. Guido Westerwelle, former Minister for Foreign Affairs
of Germany, and open gay in his work, has been diagnosed with
acute leukaemia. --- those news are shocking.my thoughts are with
june: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ is on his way to a veeeery
special invitation, for which I am waiting for since about 3 months^^
answers for where? and what? will be given in some hours ... and
I hope some pictures of it too* can´t wait^^
june: what an EMOTIONAL event: EGPA European Gay Police Association.
Dr. Jens Dobler got honored for his work since decades ... in
front of several hundred queer police people from more than 20
different countries. It is an B I G honor to me, that I got invited
to paint the award. THANK YOU* you are all wonderful and I love
june: OMG and Brian loved THAAAAAT song ^^ he showed The Gossip
to me before they became world famous ... Brian just said "THAT
BAND will become successful soon"
june: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ okokok ... 2.30 a.m.
in Berlin ... standing up from my bed ... preparing fresh whipped
cream with a loooot of sugar ... eating 3 pieces of cake with
it ... and watching some gossip stuff on hollywoodlife.com ...
*hhmmmmm* what should I say: it makes me feel better*
june: +++ ATTENTION +++ BOWIE´s THE LABYRINTH EXPERIENCE
+++ they work on new stairs here in the building ... the way to
the Open Studio is veeeery difficult to find ... pls call me or
write here on fb.
you aaaaalllll a GREAT CSD in Berlin ^^ when your are around Nollendorfplatz
and like to get some coffee & cake, then pls join the Open
Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ ´s Open Studio is open now*
Patrick Bartsch's photo.
june: hey Brian, many times I said to you, that you are the best
DJ to me and you haven´t been a common "DJ". when
you did your DJset, then it was to me as going to a theatre or
watching an opera. you talked with your music to people and mostly
you told your very own life story through your songs. and with
adding your way how to dress yourself and how to dance ... you
left me speechless, forget the time and dream into other worlds.
... somewhere in my studio there is a little treasure ... a cd
which you made for me some years ago ... I hope I will find the
cd in my chaos* ... right now I have to do the dj set by myself
... while laying on my couch ... and try to dream away with your
/ our / mine music ... you know that I am not a dj, but what else
should I do, when I miss your songs!? *kiss* Trish
june: wonderful people say to me "see those 7 years as present"
and "there are people they never meet the love of their life"
and "perhaps he is just reborn as a beautiful flower or a
bird". but my reality looks different: Brian isn´t
here anymore. Brian gave me a reason to life. ... is it an egoistic
thinking, when I don´t want to let Brian go out of my life?
he gave me a non-stop smile in my face and heart ... and now just
tears find their ways out of my eyes and my heart is litteraly
broken. I am looking for other reasons to life right now ... but
I am not able to realize them. when I write "Brian I miss
you!" then it isn´t that what I feel. What I feel isn´t
possible to describe in words. I know I have to be "strong",
but what if when just Brian made me strong
june: <3 Brian <3 the sunday party at F3000 will continue.
part of the entrance fee will go to a foundation for Brian´s
creative work. books, exhibitions,... We want that Brian will
be remembered to the world and future generations, for that what
he is already to us: A LEGEND ^^
june: in the past two weeks: many times I got asked "how
are you?" ... then I just thought "ääähmmmm,
ok, are you serious? which answer do you expect now?" ...
but I just answered "hhöömmppppffff"
I am able to give another answer: "I am far away from "feeling
good", but at least I feel already better."
yes, THANK YOU for asking <3
june: the first painting, which one I finished since some weeks
ago - I started with it about 2 months ago. from a photoshooting
in 2008: Christian sleeping between fresh flowers ... in spring
june: ... I have never been in New York, but when being with <3
Brian <3 together, then I always had the feeling, that I am
in New York *Thank U :*
june: there is a german saying "in difficult times you will
realize who your real friends are." ... *DAMN* I had no idea
that those words are thaaaat muuuuuuch true* B I G LOVE <3
and KISS :* to you ... you are important to me and you/it means
a loooot to me* Thank You*
june: <3 Brian <3 ... I just remember that story of march
2013 when I celebrated * 1 year open studio *
open studio was never planed as "party" with a party
crowd (there exist enough places for that in Berlin). it is more
a small group of people enjoying eating cake and taking about
art. sometimes more people are coming and sometimes few people
are coming and about 3times it happened that no one came here
march 2013 I celebrated * 1 year open studio *. I was very happy
about it, because I enjoy those saturdays with those wonderful
people a lot ... and once a week I have a reason to clean the
flat :) I was in a very good mood on that saturday ... at around
5 p.m. Brian did write me a message on fb "how is the open
I wrote back "everything is fine, just sitting on the balcony
and enjoy watching my neighbours :) "
Brian "how many people are there?"
I wrote "no one ... I am alone."
Brian "oh no. it´s your 1 year celebration. I am coming.
need about 40 minutes."
Brian came here ... we listened to some new and old music ...
enjoyed some cake ... till late in the evening
said "I am sorry for you that no one came tonight."
I just said "Brian, YOU are here. this is a very wonderful
celebration day and evening for me. I thank you a lot for those
hours spending with me together."
this was Brian, how I knew him <3 and will always remember
june: +++ ATTENTION ... they are still working on new stairs ...
the entrance is difficult to find ... pls call me before or write
here on fb +++ the Open Studio is open now ... and today with
some vanille ice cream and fresh whipped cream and homemade strawberry
jam aaaand homemade cake of course* btw: everyone is invited,
even when you didn´t get an invitation ... I just don´t
send them every week to everyone* see you later*
june: within the next minutes I will post 138 pictures of <3
Brian & Friends <3 pls feel free to download and use them
for your own interests. if there is a picture of yourself which
one you not like, then pls write me and I will delete this picture.
... and yes Jason I found that picture you are asking for, after
checking some thousands of pictures :)
june: pls find & watch the new album "Brian & Friends"
with about 140 pics of the past years. ... yesterday evening Jason
asked me if I could look for one picture and then I ended up finding
140 pics for you <3
june: it´s incredibly hard to accept, that we/I will never
again see Brian dancing, listen to Brian´s voice, ... normally
it´s me, the guy who has all those esoteric answers ...
but never again to hug Brian and see him smile, that fact will
cause tears in my eyes for the rest of my life.
tonite I will be at the door of F3000 again ... the place where
Brian wanted me to have ... ... see you later °°
july: *** Berlin & dr+gs *** I started early ... in the countryside
it was (perhaps still is) normal, that kids get beer foam ...
I started drinking beer ... I think I was 6 or 7 years young ...
at home while eating dinner. in the age of 12 I started smoking
... with 15 my first joi*ts and with 19 my first hard dr*g: LSD
from the English Garden in Munic. I took almost everything ...
never too much ... but everything ... many times I didn´t
ask what it is
... in Paris (age 20)
... in Vienna (age 21 till 26)
... and then in Cologne it happened: I felt in love with a guy
whom I knew already from Vienna ... he looked like an L.A. surfer
guy ... blond with bronzed skin and wearing brown - kind of "Top
Gun" - leather jacket. ... he was a m+rder - literally he
k*lled someone with a gun. but: I felt completly in love with
him. as we talked on the telephone the first time about moving
together, then it happened: after the phone call I stubed out
my burning cigarette and stopped from one second to the other
with cigarettes, alcohol, dr*gs, became one week later vegeterian
and kicked out my television.
I was completly sober for 7 years. while being sober, I started
my life as photographer in Cologne, moved to Berlin, started to
become an artist and worked together with extrem fierce other
artists. and I met Brian at that time. I told him and showed him
how fierce a sober life is ... we talked a lot about that, also
because his love Stephen Sprouse also started to become sober
at a certain point of his life. Brian wanted to know everything
about how to become sober and I told it to him ... he wanted it
too, but he loved especially the taste of German beer. the first
3 years together with Brian, I was completly sober, we lived in
two different "worlds", but have been phascinated and
attracted from eachother. ... and sometimes he said "I would
have loved to meet you some years ago ... I am not able to imagine
you dr*nken or st*ned"
about 4 years ago I met in a club an british p*rnstar ... YES,
one of the HOTTEST ^^ it was a complete coincidence, that we met
eachother in the bathroom (yes, it was! ... at least from my side*).
we started touching eachother and then he asked "do you want
some c*ke?" I just answered "not here!" expecting
100 % an answer such as "ok, then bye!" ... BUT he said
"where?" ... I answered "at my place." and
he said "ok! let´s go!"
it was a lot of c*ke what he put on my living room table. I thought
and talked to myself "do you never again want to take dr*gs
for the rest of your life?" my own answer was "no, you
don´t want that" ... "never again drink alcohol?"
my answer in my head "no." .... "never again smoking
cigarettes ... and eating meat!?" ... my answer "NO!"
... I took a thick, long line of c*ke and we had incredibly s*x
for uncountable hours.
And there I was again: we took almost everything of that c*ke,
I smoked about 2 boxes of cigarettes, and drank alcohol too.
following years continued as I knew them already from early years:
I took almost everything ... never too much ... but everything
... many times I didn´t ask what it is ...
and once I said to Brian "here I am! the side of me which
you wanted to see!" ... he never liked it and prefered me
much more in those sober years. Brian didn´t want to see
me smoking cigarettes and he didn´t want to see me drinking
alcohol and when I took dr*gs, then he avoided me.
I never stopped talking with Brian (and not just him) about how
to become sober but I was of course not that much strong anymore
as in those years when I was sober by myself.
I met an hot guy ... a guy out of my dreams ... 27 years, natural
muscles, bronzed skin, ... we spent a wonderful day together ...
I took c*ke, smoked about 2 boxes of cigarettes and drank some
alcohol. an almost similar situation as 4 years ago when I broke
up with my sober years. I saw it as sign, that a phase ends as
I went to bed yesterday, I said to myself "when you wake
tomorrow (what is today), then sober years start again."
is my first day with no alcohol, no dr*gs and the hardest thing:
july: ... and here some advice for "how to STOP SMOKING."
today is my 2nd day without cigarettes. when you stop smoking,
then put marks: first 2 days are the hardest ... then first 2
weeks are hard (but not that much hard as the first 2 days) ...
then first 2 months are difficult (but not that much difficult
as the first 2 weeks) ... then 2 years and and and
when you have the feeling you need to smoke, then is my advice:
use incense sticks and/or the luxury version: pure leaves, roots,
resins, ... (such as patchouly, dragon blood, Elemi, Himalya ceder,
...) burn them on little charcoals, which are filled with shooting
powder. you find all that stuff in esotric shops. Cleopatra would
LOVE THOSE SHOPS, because she needed to wait months to get those
treasures from all around the world.
that natural smoke will help you a lot and doesn´t make
when you feel kind of "nervous", then do a walk (or
do some jogging) and what would be good too: some sports at home
(not much, just a little bit: move your arms and legs). the reason
for doing all of that is: you need to become tired, for the reason
you are able to fall asleep, without thinking too much about cigarettes,
while you lay in bed.
forget all those nicotine bubble gums and all that chemical stuff
july: *hmmm* my way of doing massages looks quite similar *yes,
believe it or not* my uncle had a big massage studio and teached
me already as teenager how to do it. I found my own way to create
massages. but I gave those massages only to the poorest people
I met: the streethustlers ... I try to take a little bit of their
pain away ... and somehow they trust me about 100 % and this is
necessary to me to do those massages ... especially on the head
july: <3 Brian <3 loved that style of my paintings. normally
I never use the color black in my paintings. but here I made 5
black&white for Brian ... for each letter of his name one
july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ wishes *Happy 4th of
July to my American Friends* ... normally I would ask Brian now
"what is it exactly what you celebrate on that day? is it
something really good?" ... and Brian would give me an answer
which one I understand ... and without treating me as "omg
are you stupid, that you don´t know that!" ... perhaps
I should just read a little bit on wikipedia about it
july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ So ist es! Und deshalb
gibt es meine Kunst BILLIG ... Von der Qualität meiner Kunst
bin ich überzeugt. Durfte ich doch von einigen der besten
Künstlern lernen. ... "KUNST LIEBT" ist seit vielen
Jahren meine Philosophie ... und genau deshalb ist die von mir
produzierte Kunst für alle da ... auch für die mit ganz
kleinem Geldbeutel ... Öl auf Leinwand bezahlbar.
july: week number 4: ignoring reality
phases of grieve: first week I cried non-stop ... second week
I slept almost non-stop (up to 16 hours per day) ... in the third
week I freaked out in many directions ... sometimes on a violent
about 4 weeks that <3 Brian <3 left this world: meanwhile
I try to life a "normal" life, what means, that I am
acting as if "nothing" happened. I am acting with myself
as if everything is as always ... Brian is around somewhere ...
perhaps at home or with friends together in a park or preparing
some new art stuff ... I still see Brian´s name on the facebook
list on facebook ... means he could be online every moment ...
... ... I have no control about those phantasies & emotions
... ... ... and then when I get myself that I am ignoring reality,
then I feel weird about myself ... it´s like non-stop waking
up from a nightmare dream and realizing that it wasn´t a
july: veeery sad: Neymar Jr. is suffering a broken vertebra :(
after that A*SHOLE jumped with his knee in his back. I follow
Neymar Jr. since many years and he is for sure one of the best
and mooooost sympathic soccer players eeeeever. *** Get Well Soon
july: exactly one month ago I started missing Brian and looking
for him in a very serious way.
I was thinking almost the whole day about Brian ... I felt it
warm inside of me, looked a long time into his eyes of the photography
(which one I posted earlier today) and I thought about the last
beautiful hours we spent together at his place. Brian asked for
it before and I brought there some herbs, resins, roots, leaves,...
to burn ... it was the last thing what we did together, before
I left his flat, after spending there about 8 hours. he chose
2 of them and picked up White Sage and Dessert Sage ... both are
from America and get used since hundreds of years by native Americans
for religious rituals ... I was wondering, that he picked up exactly
those ones ... he picked them up with closed eyes ...