some postings which I created on facebook 7th july 2014 - 23rd july 2014
filed under mix

stories mix posted on facebook:

8th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ " that tear " working on abstract paintings means to me: about 90 percent of the paintings happen accidental. I let the universe speak through my hands. believe it or not: I didn´t put that tear there ... but I feel Brian ... non-stop

11th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ is bored bored booooored by all those reactions about 7:1 ...okokok the german team did win against a badly wounded brazilian team ... so what!? ... this is nothing to be proud of ... I have no idea why the world is phascinated by one of the most booooooring soccer teams eeeever: german soccer team 2014 ... they work like a machine ... how boooooring ... I always prefered individuals such as Beckham, Ronaldo, ... NEYMAR JR. ... THEY are the reason why I watched that world soccer championship

11th july: it will be a loooong way, till I will be that much happy again, as I used to know it ... if I ever will.

... till then I decided to work ... more than ever

12th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ if there exist to me a most favorite house on that planet, then it is: YSL´s house & GARDEN in Marakech ^^ I WANT IT ^^

12th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^´s Open Studio is open now^^ aaaaand today is the opening of the N E W RAUSCHGOLD bar directly opposit of my balcony ... with Gloria Viagra Sally Morell Herrin de Luxe maaany more and free beer and free sparkling wine ^^ LET´S CELEBRATE MY NEW FIERCE NEIGHBOURS =D

12th july: Fantasy48 means *here for you: some weekend goosebumps ... and YES! art should be for everyone ... and if we reach that: ... then we will live in <3 A BETTER WORLD <3

14th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ just one little comment about " FOOTBALL GERMANY " ... when I see winners, then I see at the same time the loosers too ... how could I be happy with Germans when I see at the same time people crying in Argentina!? Germany has already thaaaaat muuuuuch ... do they really "need" to win such a championship too!? what would it mean to all those homeless and poor people in (for example) Brazil if they would have win!? Germany got that feeling in 1954 when Germany got completly broken and they did win the football championship and after that game, the whole country started to believe in themselves again. I would have wished that other countries - than "rich" Germany - would have had experienced that feeling in 2014 ... YES, I realize the shadows too when there is a lot of sun shining

14th july: (comment for destruction of 8th century sculpture) people destroy art because they feel the power of art ... but they will never be able to destroy the spirit of art

14th july: I had a weird day today ... nothing special happened ... just felt weird all day long ... and right now: I decided that is better to go to bed ... and guess what happened: right now Brian made me smile ... when I just discovered that FAB video of Brian ... THX Brian for making me smile before I go to bed :*

15th july: about 25 % of my paintings from the year 2013 are in (private) collections ^^ B I G THANK YOU* for your support <3

17th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ when I create my paintings then I always put some magic in them ... I kind of hypnotize them ... for the reason that the magic energy goes back to those who watch them ... ... ... it may sound weird, but this is what I do

17th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^´s Meinung zu "lalala ... so geh´n die ... lalalala"

So geh´n die Gauchos (nach dem verlorenen Spiel) und so geh´n die Deutschen (nach dem gewonnen Spiel) <= so soll´s wohl genau heißen und das ist offensichtlich! also wie sollten Verlierer eines Spieles gehen, wenn nicht gebückt und wie sollten Gewinner gehen nach einem gewonnen Spiel, wenn nicht springend und jubelnd.

... all die Kritiker haben vor allem ein Problem: Das mit der Deutschen Sprache

Ich fand die Performances aller Fußballer KLASSE und freute mich mit ihnen so sehr mit, daß ich beim Zusehen Tränen in den Augen hatte

17th july: (zu Gaucho Tanz) ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ I LIKE THAT VIDEO =D ... when you take part of a game, then one of the principles is: that there are winners and loosers <= if you don´t like that fact than don´t play and/or don´t watch games. and as always: the loosers walk with their heads down and the winners jump around and celebrate <= and this is exactly what those young modern gladiators are singing and performing here ^^ ... and eeeeveryone who means to use the NAZI word in combination with that video, just booooores me

18th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^´s


when you visit Berlin: here for you: my TOP 10 places to visit:

1.: WEDDING LEOPOLDPLATZ: this is the area which is prefered by people from countries such as Tunesia, Algeria, Marocco,... means: there is a lot of life and action around on the streets ... wonderful markets,... this area becomes more and more trendy in Berlin.
but be sure to walk around in the smaller streets too ... it´s the only place in Berlin where whole streets belong to gangs ... with a lot of empty shops there and almost empty streets ... just some guys standing around with their cars and taking care about "their" street.

2.: BRANDENBURG GATE: of course the area with and around the Brandenburg Gate, Reichstag, holocaust memorial, and the whole area around. pls discover it by yourself. and be sure: for taking a walk in the glas dome of the Reichstag, you need to register yourself in the internet some days before at their webpage YES! you should go there too^^

3.: SANSSOUCI PALACE: this is the former summer palace of Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, in Potsdam, near Berlin. this place was created to make the king horny for his women. a must see and most beautiful in spring *

4.: KaDeWe.: London has Harrod´s, Moskau has Gum and Berlin has KaDeWe and I LOVE IT THERE* there you see the latest and best stuff from the whole world packed in one building ... for example: you see the work of the latest fashion designers presented by the latest models and photographed by best photographers. when I wanna know what and who is on top: then I go there^^ and be sure to take a walk in the food and drink area. take some time to drink a coffee and eat some Lenotre chocolate cake =oP

5.: CURRY 36: Berlin´s *mmmjammmmyyy* Currywurst. I suggest CURRY 36^^ it will make you smile eating THAT legendary food of Berlin. and the area around of Curry36 is wonderful too ... check it out*

6.: TIERGARTEN: what a treasure: the emperor Wilhelm II.´s private garden open to the public. perhaps you know how difficult it is to bring different fishes together in an aquarium ... as much difficult is it to bring together different trees ... flora from all around the world in one park ... it´s a master piece of garden technics. take a walk around next to Siegessäule, take a nap there where the naked people enjoy the park (yes, in the middle of Berlin) and perhaps you find that lake where Koi carps are swimming around.

7.: TEUFELSEE (devil´s lake) in Grunewald: super easy to reach: just 6 stations with S-Bahn from station Zoologischer Garten. be sure you swim there in one of the highest drinking water quality possible. the area around looks like in paradise and the people are supernice. if you want you can also do a little walk up to the little hill and enjoy a wonderful view over Berlin.

8.: FANTASY48 OPEN STUDIO: YES, that balcony in the middle of Schöneberg´s party and redlight area is a must see. being in the middle of one of the most legendary areas of Berlin: Marlene Dietrich did party in the Eldorado, Christopher Isherwood lived here in that area and got inspired to write "Goodbye Berlin" (the Cabaret story), Billy Wilder lived here at beautiful Victoria-Louise-Platz, ... and Christiane F. stayed many times in the hot-sheet hotel on the other side of the street of my balcony. ... right: saturday´s Open Studio means: eating homemade cake and talking about creative people ... their creativity ... All About Art *be my guest*

9.: FICKEN3000: THAT name "Fu*king3000" for a bar is unique in that world and not just for the reason, that I work there every sunday night, I may suggest that club: one of the last real underground places of Berlin. open to everyone

10.: UUUUHHHHH I forgot to find a number 10 for you ... pls find it by yourself and write me YOUR favorite place in Berlin ... yes, I am really interested in it^^ I live since about 10 years in Berlin and I know that I have to discover a loooooot moooore of exciting places

18th july: Patrick Bartsch ... I think that name sounds good* using different names (such as some years ago: for about 8 years: Master Patrick) has the same meaning to me as playing with different toys ... and when I need a new toy/name, then I found a new toy/name.

it was fun playing around with the name ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ ... for some months. created after spending a day together with Isa Genzken. no one said "Fantasy48" that much funny as Brian did it and Brian understood from the very first second what the meaning of "The Emperor of Art" is ... just a kids phantasy ... and nothing else.

I never used my real name ... but I think, that I should and will start it now

YES, being sober (no alc, no cigarettes, no dr*gs) since 2 1/2 weeks cleared up my mind and body already. I am 40 years now and should start to become more serious ... but to me: using my REAL name is one of the freakiest things I have ever done =D

19th july: Patrick Bartsch wishes a <3 HAPPY WEEKEND TO EEEEVERYONE =D .... oh yes, I have to get used to it, that I use now my real name as artist name ... still feels weird ;)

19th july: (flight MH17) “What if the cure for AIDS was on that plane? Really? We don’t know,” he said. ... and Patrick says "when I heard the first time about the scientists on that plane, then my first thought was "DAMN THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REAL REASON WHY EXACTLY T H A T PLANE GOT BOMBED!"

20th july: I love to paint in the morning hours* that painting of Brian (size 1.50 meters x 1.80 meters) needs all my energy and patience ... that sweat is kind of phascinating, which is caused because of heat AND work

20th july: "don´t show unfinished paintings!" they said "DON´T show unfinished paintings!!!" they said ... *hmmmm* I almost never did what people told me to do :) :*

and here some fiiiirst impressions of my first BIG SIZE painting 1,50 x 1,80 meters with Brian Tennesse Claflin at his GLAM PORKparty °° in oil on canvas*

20th july: cant´t help it, but every sunday evening I think a little bit .... okokok muuuuuch more about Brian <3 Brian was an extraordinary mix of beauty, intelligence, wisdom, tough, smart, ... and all that packed in a GIANT HEART, MIND & SOUL

and almost every sunday he shared all that with me and many others for some hours

21st july: Patrick means: some days ago I watched an (obviously) islamic family: a young, sad looking, pregnant woman, an angry lookig man and 2 young children with shaved heads.

they looked like religious machines, where it is wanted that as much children as possible get born.

I remember how my parents planed to put me into this world. my parents loved eachother from the deepest bottom of their hearts and it was their wish to create a child made of love (and for no other reason). that´s me. ... and THIS IS THE WAY HOW IT SHOULD ALWAYS BE!

when I realize that in all those islam countries uncountable children get born just for the reason to fight for a religion (and die, such as in Palestine), then I mean: THIS IS WRONG! I suffer with each of those children which had no choice to be born that way.

22nd july: one of my most favorite places since years^^ the center of (west) Berlin^^ I sit there for hours and am able to recover^^ I watch the people ... feel the energy ... and sometimes I have that special feeling, when I say to myself "WOW^^ really ... you life in Berlin"

22nd july: "WATCHING WAR ON FACEBOOK" ... since 40 years I realize with my own eyes what is going on on that planet. when I was a kid and there has been war, then violent pictures have been able to see in the news just for some seconds. with the war in Iraq all that changed, as most of us know. it was a war live to watch in the media.
and today: the most violent pictures and movies are the most shared and watched ones. I don´t have to give examples, because most of you know what I am talking about.

I watch it too ... always ... I want to know what is going on on that planet ... and I want to know again and again what a monster the human being is.

some minutes ago someone posted a video named something like "this is how Hamas handles their own people". the rest I wasn´t able to understand (because of the language). the video shows how a group of armed men shot about 8 people. it was a long video, extrem violent from the very beginning and it was able to see the faces of those who kill. it seemed that it is a sport to them, what they are doing and their leaders allow them to do it. to me it was shocking to see that video and of course I don´t know if the title of the video really fits with the video.

but this is war today.
and it kills my feelings too
... step by step

22nd july: ... and by the way: YES, I am pro Israel.

... and if you don´t like that fact, then pls unfriend me from your list.

some months ago I had a wonderful conversation with an great and popular artist from Israel. I told him, that I have almost no knowledge about the history of Israel and the people of Israel. but what I know is, that all people from Israel (yes, people who life and lived there) treated me with a lot of respect and accepted every part of me. talking about homosexuality was as talking about "baking cake", it never was "important" or something "special".
and everything else: I felt always connected with those wonderful people from Israel and always will.

23rd july: 8 a.m. and Patrick naked at Teufelssee* what a feeeeeeling to have an lake covered with beautiful waterlilies almost for hisself =D yes, it´s my favorite lake since I life in Berlin <3

23rd july: *hmmmm* I can´t help it: is the actual situation in Germany similar to a situation which existed already about 90 YEARS AGO IN GERMANY ?

since some hours I was reading (german) comments on different (german) status, pictures, videos, ... and the hate against jews has reached a level in Germany which is frightening me.
and much more: perhaps you realized that there have been different anti-Israel demonstrations. and in Berlin they used to scream slogans such as "Jews, Jews, cowardly pigs, come out and fight!"

further: in the past months there have been that many queer people beaten up in Berlin, what has never happened before in those years since I life in Berlin. the hate against queer people grew definatly too.

and further: the violence against german police and politics has reached new levels. many people doesn´t respect german authorities.

I wasn´t born in (for example) the year 1924, but I know that some years later: jewish people, queer people, people from politics and many others ended somewhere, where we should never end up again.

... the easy living in Berlin which I was used to life it since 10 years is more and more over. I am more and more prepared to leave that country <= and just to have such thoughts frightens me


Berlin Fashion Week 10th july 2014
filed under fashion

I am completly phascinated by the homemade parfum creations of phantastic Meo Fusciuni <3

on the pic you see Meo at his performance. presented by fierce Theloserproject by Rui Duarte



Rauschgold´s LIEBLINGSBAR 12th july 2014
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tonite opened Rauschgold´s LIEBLINGSBAR ^^ YES, my new neighbours :*

of course I went there ... I like it there a loooot <3 ... and it was a loooot of fun =D

on the pic: wonderful Frank Wilde and phantastic Frank Fieselmann who celebrated his birthday too *** HAPPY B-DAY <3 :*



Silberkuppe & Flaneur Magazine 27th june 2014
filed under

today I got invited to join the presentation of the new Flaneur Magazine and then we went to the groupshow "NEW DAWN" at Silberkuppe

it was very good being around with creative people and their friends. this is exactly what I needed and I stayed there till late in the night*



fantasy48 *new paintings* 25th june 2014
filed under
fantasy48 - paintings

I needed a little break with working on new paintings (pic above)

the first time I started to work with a BIG size like that one (pic below) 1,50 x 1,80
on the pic is planed to see a portrait of Brian



EGPA 20th june 2014

what an EMOTIONAL event:

EGPA European Gay Police Association

Dr. Jens Dobler got honored for his work since decades ... in front of several hundred queer police people from more than 20 different countries. It is an B I G honor to me, that I got invited to paint the award. THANK YOU* you are all wonderful and I love you <3

on the pic below you see some wearing beautiful uniforms and standing in front of the "Landesvertretung Baden-Württemberg"



some postings which I created on facebook 17th june 2014 - 6th july 2014
filed under mix

stories mix posted on facebook:

17th june: Brian-Tennessee Claflin´s most favorite music ... all my life I listened to music such as Michael Jackson, Guns N´ Roses, Queen, Velvet Underground, ... and similar stuff like that. I was most into male singers and when Brian came into my life about 7 years ago, then he showed me the world of female singers and music I had no idea that such stuff even exists ... he left me speechless when showing me stunning performers & songs such as this one *THANK YOU*

18th june: just wrote 2 little poems dedicated to Brian:

Brian my love
Brian my muse
Brian my friend
Brian my brother

Brian my everything


last dance
last song
last hug
last smile

in my heart forever

18th june: laying on my couch. listening to Maria Callas live @ Royal Festival Hall. and grieve for Brian. after a very exhausting week, now it starts to become more quite. it is the first time that I face the feeling to grieve for someone. these are emotions I never knew before. somehow I feel as if I am laying on a cloud and watch my life with Brian from above ... from distance ... sometimes I want to touch what I dream about and see ... but it is not possible ... anymore

19th june: preparing myself to continue to paint soon ... size 1.50 x 1.80 meters ... the BIGGEST size I ever worked on ... and yes, Brian will be on that painting

19th june: Brian´s most favorite songs <3 Blonde Redhead has been the first concert we went together about 7 years ago. he had backstage passes for each of us and we had a great time walking around everywhere we wanted to go :)

20th june: OMG Dr. Guido Westerwelle, former Minister for Foreign Affairs of Germany, and open gay in his work, has been diagnosed with acute leukaemia. --- those news are thoughts are with you*

20th june: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ is on his way to a veeeery special invitation, for which I am waiting for since about 3 months^^ answers for where? and what? will be given in some hours ... and I hope some pictures of it too* can´t wait^^

20th june: what an EMOTIONAL event: EGPA European Gay Police Association. Dr. Jens Dobler got honored for his work since decades ... in front of several hundred queer police people from more than 20 different countries. It is an B I G honor to me, that I got invited to paint the award. THANK YOU* you are all wonderful and I love you <3

20th june: OMG and Brian loved THAAAAAT song ^^ he showed The Gossip to me before they became world famous ... Brian just said "THAT BAND will become successful soon"

21st june: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ okokok ... 2.30 a.m. in Berlin ... standing up from my bed ... preparing fresh whipped cream with a loooot of sugar ... eating 3 pieces of cake with it ... and watching some gossip stuff on ... *hhmmmmm* what should I say: it makes me feel better*

21st june: +++ ATTENTION +++ BOWIE´s THE LABYRINTH EXPERIENCE +++ they work on new stairs here in the building ... the way to the Open Studio is veeeery difficult to find ... pls call me or write here on fb.

wish you aaaaalllll a GREAT CSD in Berlin ^^ when your are around Nollendorfplatz and like to get some coffee & cake, then pls join the Open Studio *

^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ ´s Open Studio is open now*
Patrick Bartsch's photo.

21st june: hey Brian, many times I said to you, that you are the best DJ to me and you haven´t been a common "DJ". when you did your DJset, then it was to me as going to a theatre or watching an opera. you talked with your music to people and mostly you told your very own life story through your songs. and with adding your way how to dress yourself and how to dance ... you left me speechless, forget the time and dream into other worlds. ... somewhere in my studio there is a little treasure ... a cd which you made for me some years ago ... I hope I will find the cd in my chaos* ... right now I have to do the dj set by myself ... while laying on my couch ... and try to dream away with your / our / mine music ... you know that I am not a dj, but what else should I do, when I miss your songs!? *kiss* Trish

21st june: wonderful people say to me "see those 7 years as present" and "there are people they never meet the love of their life" and "perhaps he is just reborn as a beautiful flower or a bird". but my reality looks different: Brian isn´t here anymore. Brian gave me a reason to life. ... is it an egoistic thinking, when I don´t want to let Brian go out of my life? he gave me a non-stop smile in my face and heart ... and now just tears find their ways out of my eyes and my heart is litteraly broken. I am looking for other reasons to life right now ... but I am not able to realize them. when I write "Brian I miss you!" then it isn´t that what I feel. What I feel isn´t possible to describe in words. I know I have to be "strong", but what if when just Brian made me strong

22nd june: <3 Brian <3 the sunday party at F3000 will continue. part of the entrance fee will go to a foundation for Brian´s creative work. books, exhibitions,... We want that Brian will be remembered to the world and future generations, for that what he is already to us: A LEGEND ^^

24th june: in the past two weeks: many times I got asked "how are you?" ... then I just thought "ääähmmmm, ok, are you serious? which answer do you expect now?" ... but I just answered "hhöömmppppffff"

today I am able to give another answer: "I am far away from "feeling good", but at least I feel already better."

and, yes, THANK YOU for asking <3

26th june: the first painting, which one I finished since some weeks ago - I started with it about 2 months ago. from a photoshooting in 2008: Christian sleeping between fresh flowers ... in spring

27th june: ... I have never been in New York, but when being with <3 Brian <3 together, then I always had the feeling, that I am in New York *Thank U :*

27th june: there is a german saying "in difficult times you will realize who your real friends are." ... *DAMN* I had no idea that those words are thaaaat muuuuuuch true* B I G LOVE <3 and KISS :* to you ... you are important to me and you/it means a loooot to me* Thank You*

28th june: <3 Brian <3 ... I just remember that story of march 2013 when I celebrated * 1 year open studio *

this open studio was never planed as "party" with a party crowd (there exist enough places for that in Berlin). it is more a small group of people enjoying eating cake and taking about art. sometimes more people are coming and sometimes few people are coming and about 3times it happened that no one came here ...

on march 2013 I celebrated * 1 year open studio *. I was very happy about it, because I enjoy those saturdays with those wonderful people a lot ... and once a week I have a reason to clean the flat :) I was in a very good mood on that saturday ... at around 5 p.m. Brian did write me a message on fb "how is the open studio going?"
I wrote back "everything is fine, just sitting on the balcony and enjoy watching my neighbours :) "
Brian "how many people are there?"
I wrote "no one ... I am alone."
Brian "oh no. it´s your 1 year celebration. I am coming. need about 40 minutes."

then Brian came here ... we listened to some new and old music ... enjoyed some cake ... till late in the evening

Brian said "I am sorry for you that no one came tonight."
I just said "Brian, YOU are here. this is a very wonderful celebration day and evening for me. I thank you a lot for those hours spending with me together."

YES, this was Brian, how I knew him <3 and will always remember him :*

28th june: +++ ATTENTION ... they are still working on new stairs ... the entrance is difficult to find ... pls call me before or write here on fb +++ the Open Studio is open now ... and today with some vanille ice cream and fresh whipped cream and homemade strawberry jam aaaand homemade cake of course* btw: everyone is invited, even when you didn´t get an invitation ... I just don´t send them every week to everyone* see you later*

29th june: within the next minutes I will post 138 pictures of <3 Brian & Friends <3 pls feel free to download and use them for your own interests. if there is a picture of yourself which one you not like, then pls write me and I will delete this picture. ... and yes Jason I found that picture you are asking for, after checking some thousands of pictures :)

29th june: pls find & watch the new album "Brian & Friends" with about 140 pics of the past years. ... yesterday evening Jason asked me if I could look for one picture and then I ended up finding 140 pics for you <3

29th june: it´s incredibly hard to accept, that we/I will never again see Brian dancing, listen to Brian´s voice, ... normally it´s me, the guy who has all those esoteric answers ... but never again to hug Brian and see him smile, that fact will cause tears in my eyes for the rest of my life.

and tonite I will be at the door of F3000 again ... the place where Brian wanted me to have ... ... see you later °°

1st july: *** Berlin & dr+gs *** I started early ... in the countryside it was (perhaps still is) normal, that kids get beer foam ... I started drinking beer ... I think I was 6 or 7 years young ... at home while eating dinner. in the age of 12 I started smoking ... with 15 my first joi*ts and with 19 my first hard dr*g: LSD from the English Garden in Munic. I took almost everything ... never too much ... but everything ... many times I didn´t ask what it is
... in Paris (age 20)
... in Vienna (age 21 till 26)
... and then in Cologne it happened: I felt in love with a guy whom I knew already from Vienna ... he looked like an L.A. surfer guy ... blond with bronzed skin and wearing brown - kind of "Top Gun" - leather jacket. ... he was a m+rder - literally he k*lled someone with a gun. but: I felt completly in love with him. as we talked on the telephone the first time about moving together, then it happened: after the phone call I stubed out my burning cigarette and stopped from one second to the other with cigarettes, alcohol, dr*gs, became one week later vegeterian and kicked out my television.
I was completly sober for 7 years. while being sober, I started my life as photographer in Cologne, moved to Berlin, started to become an artist and worked together with extrem fierce other artists. and I met Brian at that time. I told him and showed him how fierce a sober life is ... we talked a lot about that, also because his love Stephen Sprouse also started to become sober at a certain point of his life. Brian wanted to know everything about how to become sober and I told it to him ... he wanted it too, but he loved especially the taste of German beer. the first 3 years together with Brian, I was completly sober, we lived in two different "worlds", but have been phascinated and attracted from eachother. ... and sometimes he said "I would have loved to meet you some years ago ... I am not able to imagine you dr*nken or st*ned"

then: about 4 years ago I met in a club an british p*rnstar ... YES, one of the HOTTEST ^^ it was a complete coincidence, that we met eachother in the bathroom (yes, it was! ... at least from my side*). we started touching eachother and then he asked "do you want some c*ke?" I just answered "not here!" expecting 100 % an answer such as "ok, then bye!" ... BUT he said "where?" ... I answered "at my place." and he said "ok! let´s go!"
it was a lot of c*ke what he put on my living room table. I thought and talked to myself "do you never again want to take dr*gs for the rest of your life?" my own answer was "no, you don´t want that" ... "never again drink alcohol?" my answer in my head "no." .... "never again smoking cigarettes ... and eating meat!?" ... my answer "NO!" ... I took a thick, long line of c*ke and we had incredibly s*x for uncountable hours.
And there I was again: we took almost everything of that c*ke, I smoked about 2 boxes of cigarettes, and drank alcohol too.

the following years continued as I knew them already from early years: I took almost everything ... never too much ... but everything ... many times I didn´t ask what it is ...

... and once I said to Brian "here I am! the side of me which you wanted to see!" ... he never liked it and prefered me much more in those sober years. Brian didn´t want to see me smoking cigarettes and he didn´t want to see me drinking alcohol and when I took dr*gs, then he avoided me.
I never stopped talking with Brian (and not just him) about how to become sober but I was of course not that much strong anymore as in those years when I was sober by myself.

yesterday I met an hot guy ... a guy out of my dreams ... 27 years, natural muscles, bronzed skin, ... we spent a wonderful day together ... I took c*ke, smoked about 2 boxes of cigarettes and drank some alcohol. an almost similar situation as 4 years ago when I broke up with my sober years. I saw it as sign, that a phase ends as it started.

as I went to bed yesterday, I said to myself "when you wake tomorrow (what is today), then sober years start again."

today is my first day with no alcohol, no dr*gs and the hardest thing: no cigarettes

2nd july: ... and here some advice for "how to STOP SMOKING."

1st: today is my 2nd day without cigarettes. when you stop smoking, then put marks: first 2 days are the hardest ... then first 2 weeks are hard (but not that much hard as the first 2 days) ... then first 2 months are difficult (but not that much difficult as the first 2 weeks) ... then 2 years and and and

2nd: when you have the feeling you need to smoke, then is my advice: use incense sticks and/or the luxury version: pure leaves, roots, resins, ... (such as patchouly, dragon blood, Elemi, Himalya ceder, ...) burn them on little charcoals, which are filled with shooting powder. you find all that stuff in esotric shops. Cleopatra would LOVE THOSE SHOPS, because she needed to wait months to get those treasures from all around the world.
that natural smoke will help you a lot and doesn´t make you addicted.

3rd: when you feel kind of "nervous", then do a walk (or do some jogging) and what would be good too: some sports at home (not much, just a little bit: move your arms and legs). the reason for doing all of that is: you need to become tired, for the reason you are able to fall asleep, without thinking too much about cigarettes, while you lay in bed.

4th: forget all those nicotine bubble gums and all that chemical stuff

3rd july: *hmmm* my way of doing massages looks quite similar *yes, believe it or not* my uncle had a big massage studio and teached me already as teenager how to do it. I found my own way to create massages. but I gave those massages only to the poorest people I met: the streethustlers ... I try to take a little bit of their pain away ... and somehow they trust me about 100 % and this is necessary to me to do those massages ... especially on the head of someone

3rd july: <3 Brian <3 loved that style of my paintings. normally I never use the color black in my paintings. but here I made 5 black&white for Brian ... for each letter of his name one painting

4th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ wishes *Happy 4th of July to my American Friends* ... normally I would ask Brian now "what is it exactly what you celebrate on that day? is it something really good?" ... and Brian would give me an answer which one I understand ... and without treating me as "omg are you stupid, that you don´t know that!" ... perhaps I should just read a little bit on wikipedia about it

4th july: ^^ Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art ^^ So ist es! Und deshalb gibt es meine Kunst BILLIG ... Von der Qualität meiner Kunst bin ich überzeugt. Durfte ich doch von einigen der besten Künstlern lernen. ... "KUNST LIEBT" ist seit vielen Jahren meine Philosophie ... und genau deshalb ist die von mir produzierte Kunst für alle da ... auch für die mit ganz kleinem Geldbeutel ... Öl auf Leinwand bezahlbar.

4th july: week number 4: ignoring reality

... phases of grieve: first week I cried non-stop ... second week I slept almost non-stop (up to 16 hours per day) ... in the third week I freaked out in many directions ... sometimes on a violent way

it´s about 4 weeks that <3 Brian <3 left this world: meanwhile I try to life a "normal" life, what means, that I am acting as if "nothing" happened. I am acting with myself as if everything is as always ... Brian is around somewhere ... perhaps at home or with friends together in a park or preparing some new art stuff ... I still see Brian´s name on the facebook list on facebook ... means he could be online every moment ... ... ... I have no control about those phantasies & emotions ... ... ... and then when I get myself that I am ignoring reality, then I feel weird about myself ... it´s like non-stop waking up from a nightmare dream and realizing that it wasn´t a dream

5th july: veeery sad: Neymar Jr. is suffering a broken vertebra :( after that A*SHOLE jumped with his knee in his back. I follow Neymar Jr. since many years and he is for sure one of the best and mooooost sympathic soccer players eeeeever. *** Get Well Soon ***

6th july: exactly one month ago I started missing Brian and looking for him in a very serious way.

today I was thinking almost the whole day about Brian ... I felt it warm inside of me, looked a long time into his eyes of the photography (which one I posted earlier today) and I thought about the last beautiful hours we spent together at his place. Brian asked for it before and I brought there some herbs, resins, roots, leaves,... to burn ... it was the last thing what we did together, before I left his flat, after spending there about 8 hours. he chose 2 of them and picked up White Sage and Dessert Sage ... both are from America and get used since hundreds of years by native Americans for religious rituals ... I was wondering, that he picked up exactly those ones ... he picked them up with closed eyes ...



lesbian-gay-streetparty 14th + 15th june 2014
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lesbian gay streetparty - group show at the Open Studio with Marianne Lapin, Marc Raps, Fantasy48 The Emperor of Art and Brian Tennessee-Claflin

letter to a friend:

it was very hard to handle that day without Brian here and having him here as star of the groupshow. but should I have I deleted him? I decided to show his fierce denim jacket with REVOLUTION written on it. as solution how to change America. I felt Brian here - he helped me that I was that much busy that it was day that I didn´t cry. he was here and helped to sell 16 artworks to art collectors and friends. of course some for a very friendship price, but as result 285 euro is a lot of money for me. Brian is here and he wants me to life, work and being happy. someone said to me today "Brian didn´t want to see you cry that much." perhaps he got right - I should not despair, but take every time I need to grief. your friend was here, a guy with long white hair, he comes from your country, he told me and he was yesterday in the artschool too. it was very interessting spending time togehter with him. sorry I forgot his name. Now I am tired and go to bed. tomorrow is another day open studio. and then I have finally free for some weeks, also from the hotel. I will try eat, being sober as much as possible and try to change the fact that I am just skin and bones at the moment.



Brian´s art school 13th june 2014

Brian went to an art school for the past about 2 years

his class mates and teachers organized an art show dedicated to Brian ... everyone came there: his family, friends,... it has been a very emotional event with a loooot of GREAT art and a looooot of tears

R.I.P. Brian-Tennessee Claflin



Madame Paris 12th june 2014
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Madame Paris - ^^ okokok Madame Paris IS the other side of Naco Paris ^^ - performing at Werkstattgalerie

I <3 Madame Paris





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